Weekly Reports: Season 2014–15

Your report fast track . . .

Tuesday, March 31, 2015
4 Ball, Better Ball, Collier Park
HANDICAPPERS TROPHY

The ultimate round and the ceremonial season exit at Collier on a cooler, more enjoyable day than the HOT experience for Visitor's Day. Thank goodness for an even number of players or the "Jacko Jiggle", skilfully employed at Wembley the previous season.

• The Ronzo/Dalbs combo were quietly confident, though the former seemed a little subdued – and even drove the buggy that way. His golf also started out very subdued, with Dalbs contributing 15 of the front nine's 23 points as the moustachoid one's game stuttered along. By the 11th, the stutter was gone, Lazarus playing some blistering golf as he plundered the course and the opposition, scoring 16 (on 6 holes) of the back nine's 23 points and ensuring a countback win;
• Squancey and Walks 'burnt' over the front nine, their combined efforts resulting in just 5 strokes over par and an impressive 25 points! That sometimes unforgiving Lake course bared its teeth for them on 3 holes for just 1 point but they still managed a mere 21 points;
• Scobes and Jacko weren't talking to each other over Island, their games suffering some inconsistency and coherence for 17 points. As the game wore on, their form picked up as did their communication, sizzling home (comparatively) over Lake with an impressive 24 points including 4 points on the 2nd hardest hole and also 5 strokes over par ;
• Macca and Tom were jaunting along and combining well, the one 1 point hole seemingly a minor hiccup. Until Lake produced 5 more 1 point hiccups despite their efforts to counteract the malaise (smelling salts; gargling water; pulling hard on their tongues).

Round results:
1st: Ronzo/Dalbs (46) on countback from . . .
2nd: Squancey/Walks (46).
3rd: Scobes/Jacko (41)
NTPs: Squancey/Little Master/Squancey/Squancey/Ronzo
LDs: Dalbs/Squancey
NAGA: Macca/Little Master

Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Stroke, Hamersley

The penultimate round and a somewhat chippy morning on which to bid farewell to Hamersley. Ronzo gathered the troops and, in stirring style reminiscent of Barassi in the '70s, told them to sing with gusto Auld Lang Syne? Ooohh noooo . . . it came out as "Happy Birthday" and a sheepish, red-faced, long-nosed Snout took it all in good humour ("I'll kill the bugger!") before again being knocked off the podium by another 3-way tie for line honours. But first . . .

Highlights:

• Squancey has developed a knack for scintillating golf curiously mixed with scuttling golf. Today was no exception, his 5 best holes containing 3 pars and played in only 3 over! Hit the wall (and probably a few other hazards) on 11 and 18 (combined 7 shots over) but still managed a nose in front on countback;

• The gallery

  Walks and Macca arrived at the same score but from different directions. Walks couldn't buy a par despite one or two bids being turned down, content to belt some monster drives and savage some flora along the way. Macca wasn't quite on his game either – but then came the par 3's. Tangled with a tree on the 12th and dropped 60m short of the green. Having lost his pitching wedge on the opening hole, yanked out the trusty 7-iron and pitched it in for birdie! Come the 16th, calmly lobbed a wood onto the green and just missed the putt. Macca at his most confident;
• Dalbs indulged in a one-hole sabotage – a 10 on the par 5 14th. Silly boy, what with making a reasonable fist of 6 holes for 6 over and then doing that!;
• It was the Steve Allardice variety show and did he entertain the crowd! Knocked out 3 pars mixed with (on two occasions) misfires onto the adjacent fairway being played by the second group who watched his innovative retrieval shots with utter fascination. His effort on the par 3 16th clinched it, his tee shot ending a third of the way in the left hand bush. "Watch the ricochet" came the cry and, sure enough, it did so into a blackboy. After playing his third, he sauntered down toward the green as Ronzo hit a "great chip", but guess who's buggy wandered into its path? After electing to replay the shot, Ronzo duffed it. Speaking of the great man, his 11 on the par 5 11th didn't help his cause, though he did par the next par 5. It wasn't his best round but a fun round non-the-less;
• Jacko, so we thought, should relish the cooler weather but he took some time to warm up, creating quite a few craters over the first four holes to be 10 shots over. Finally got the Synovial fluid up to temperature and the swing into plane and drifted home only 6 shots over;
• Scobes couldn't get anything warmed up except that exceptional humour. Got caught in the double/triple bogey blues and was content to sigh into his post-round coffee.

Round results:
1st: Squancey (38) on countback from . . .
2nd: Walks (38) and . . .
3rd: Macca (38)
NTP: Macca
LD: Ronzo (short but straight)
NAGA: Scobes
Birdie: Macca (12th)

Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Stableford, Hamersley
NOT THE BURSWOOD TROPHY

A change of course and a cool, clear morning – just like Mornington all over again. Not sure what the "Not the Burswood Trophy" really is, but eight of the best lined up to compete for it. In a world first, the Captain joined the first "workers" group to enable a quick getaway after the game. And so it came to pass that 4 workers belted some impressive drives down the fairway and were never seen again – apart from Ronzo the Stayer who greeted the second group and collected his progeny's winnings.

Notable Notables:

• Walks snaffled his third season win but in the closest of circumstances, surviving a three-way countback, an uncharacteristic club throw (from the Dalbs ClubChuck Technique Handbook) and a ball lobbed into the top of a native grass. Vintage Walks – CONGRATULATIONS PHANTOM;
• Steve was confused. He thought it was the "Not the Mornington Masters" Trophy and played like it, that old big hitting consistency returning as he posted a competitive score but just not at the right end of the round;

• An almost winning style

  Scobes and Dalbs were going neck-and-neck, each with pars on the opening two holes, 10 points over the first four and some golf shots along the way. As the round progressed, Scobes remained calm until the last hole (exhaustion set in) whereas, come the last two holes, Dalbs got overexcited and went bush;
• Ronzo and Jacko had mixed fortunes. The Elder Statesman waxed, wobbled and waned over the first 5 holes with only 7 points to show then got some sort of groove to collect a more decent 8 points over the closings in a somewhat ungainly round. Jacko had that slow and deliberate swing in a groove but the groove kept changing direction in an eclectic mix of delicate fades and draws, pull shots and fats and thins. But they'll be back next week;
• Squancey took off for the State Yo Yo comp. straight after the round. He'd chalked up some practice, combining some real up golf (only 4 shots over for 11 points on his 5 best holes) with real down patches (2 points over the other four).
• Macca just couldn't switch from Bridge that night to Golf, bidding the ball to go straight but was often trumped and forced to watch his score contract. He couldn't take a trick.

Round results:
1st: Walks (19) on countback from . . .
2nd: Steve (19) and . . .
3rd: Scobes (19)
NTP: Walks
LD: Steve
NAGA: Macca

Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Par, Hamersley

It was the week before Mornington and it was par (at least according to fixtures). However, a lack of enthusiasm for par among the assembled 4 protagonists on the tee, saw the event changed to stroke (this scribe has no reason to believe the decrease in likelihood of losing handicap strokes was a factor in this decision).

Highlights:

• Scobes started strongly with a par on the tenth but a 7 and an 8 in the next 4 holes threatened to consign his round to oblivion. But with a true handicappers integrity and mindful of an outcry the following week if he happened to "blow out", he steadied and showed glimpses of his true form to post a net 37, enough to win the day on a countback;
• Jacko's round was conspicuous by its mediocrity and his minimal use of the fairways, but a birdie on the twelfth skewed his score sufficiently to record a net 37 and take second place;
• Squancy was another who started strongly with a par, but a mid-round slump and the vicious mauling of his handicap after the previous week's sensational round took its toll, and a three bogey finish was only enough to take third place with a 38;
• Steve started like a man possessed with a birdie on the first, but then his game went into recess, presumably precipitated by thoughts of having to attack Mornington courses with a 9 (18) handicap? Five triple bogeys in the remaining holes made sure this wouldn't be an issue and his net 43 was enough to give him a fourth place on the day.

Round results:
1st: Scobes (37) on countback from . . .
2nd: Jacko (37)
3rd: Squancey (38)
NTP: No takers
LD: Squancey
NAGA: Steve
Birdies: Steve (10th); Jacko (12th)

Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Stableford, Hamersley
MATCH PLAY FINAL

A still, cool and slightly "misty" morning ushered in perfect golfing conditions to decide the 2015 Club Champion. Great to see everyone lining up at the appointed time (minus Scobes; plus Squancey with a tan) but the clubhouse had other ideas about tee-off time. That's now been noted (more sleep-in time!), tee-off being later than their original publicity would have you believe. A flurry of score cards and the "B" team screamed away with a flurry of fairway-bound (immaculate) drives.

Polite Macca	Thrashing Steve

Match Play:
What a match-up – Steve the Stallion and Macca the Mule. The man with the odds was busy working the Esperance TAB while both combatants were giving nothing away, Steve's opening drive thrashed left into the bush with Macca politely following suit. After 2 holes, Stallion was 2-up! Mule steadied "You're not making an ass out of me!" as he squared the 12th all the while sensing Stallion's nerves were getting jangled. Mule was relentless, winning the next three as the thumbscrews tightened causing Stallion's sprayed shots and Dalby chips but he almost squared it at 16. Mule's brilliance was blinding as he putted in from off the green for 2-up and the title. Stallion broke down after being flogged by his most vocal supporter ("What about the family name, son!"). CONGRATULATIONS MACCA.

Other highlights:

• Squancey turned up to play golf. Included in the first group so he could leave for work straight after, he was still seen loitering around the 18th as the B team rolled home. It was a sign, one of having played his round-of-the-season – a 42 off the stick, including 4 pars. "Smooth" was how others saw it – and he missed 2 or three makeable putts! Tuning up for Mornington (much to the Handicapper's glee!);
• Jacko and Dalbs shared "morning delight" at the 13th – Jacko just off the green and Dalbs on, both in 2. Jacko sank a 30m putt and Dalbs a mere 8m for twin birdies. Made TLM's par seem so pedestrian! Jacko was his usual consistent self with 3 pars and 43 off the stick while Dalbs was more wayward interspersed with a golf shot or three;
• Ronzo was swinging gently and staying relatively straight. Little cause for AAAAGGHHHH's except on the par 5's – triple bogied both after a few missed putts. Played the remaining 7 in only 3 over, including 4 pars! The Little Master's card looked somewhat similar, mauling the par 5's in identical fashion but playing the remainder in 7 over as that metronomic swing flew a few drives and irons a bit right;
• Walks? Well, let's just say that we all have "one of those days" from time-to-time. Plenty of opportunities to improve his bush craft though. And what a temperament

Round results:
1st: Squancey (24)
2nd: Jacko (21)
3rd: Dalbs (20)
NTP: Ronzo
LD: Ronzo
NAGA: Walks
Birdies: Jacko/Dalbs (13th)

Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Stroke, Hamersley
CLUB CHAMPIONSHIP, Round 2

A still, cool and slightly "misty" morning ushered in perfect golfing conditions to decide the 2015 Club Champion. Great to see everyone lining up at the appointed time (minus Scobes; plus Squancey with a tan) but the clubhouse had other ideas about tee-off time. That's now been noted (more sleep-in time!), tee-off being later than their original publicity would have you believe. A flurry of score cards and the "B" team screamed away with a flurry of fairway-bound (immaculate) drives.

Some highlights:

• Walks in the trees	Jacko on the fairway

  Walks? Well, as your scribe reported last week watching Walksies antics on the 9th crashing from tree-to-tree, it seemed a case of Deja Vu as the scribe again found our defending champion and half-way leader in rough on the 18th and crashing into trees. And there were pockets of similar play in the round but three "Little" bounces and 3 pars helped compensate, particularly for the 10 strokes on the Par 5 14th! He had enough in the bag to maintain the lead and successfully defend his 2014 title. CONGRATULATIONS WALKSY;
• Ronzo was but two shots shy as he teed up at the 10th. As he teed up at the 18th, he was quite a few shots sheeite! It was one of those days: "Slow the swing down" "Don't sway" AAAAAGGGGHHHHH! Maybe next year;
• Jacko (Mr Consistent) immediately impressed with birdie, then par and the 9 shots he had to make up (4 shots behind plus 5 handicap strokes) had crept to 5. The stroke difference wavered but, by the 14th, Mr C had made up the 9 strokes. Sheeite – could this be a boil over? But one less "Little bounce" than Walks and a Walks par at 17 probably sealed the deal – it was a gallant effort by the Retiree;
• Macca had a 'thereabouts' championship with bookend 37's. The young fella's playing some good and consistent golf and isn't leading the Masters for nothing – though there's another retiree breathing down his neck.
• The Little Master could've made things interesting had his first round not disappointed. That metronomic swing and purposeful stride was back but the horse had bolted in the first round. Dalbs played like he was riding side-saddle but at least he was consistent at being inconsistent. Should've taken a leaf from Squancey's book as the Man with the Tan from Thai crunched some solid drives and irons but lost a bit on the greens.
• Chalk 2 started and finished with a bang, but it was the middle bits that went awry as mighty drives flewed and slewed and putts slithered just past. "I'm waiting for the REAL championship" said he as cries of "tanking" echoed in the "mist".

Club Champion: GRAHAM WALKER – 2 IN A ROW!

Round results:
1st: Jacko (35) on countback from . . .
2nd: Little Master (35)
3rd: Walks (37) on countback from Squancey and Macca.
NTP: Macca
LD: Steve
NAGA: Steve
Birdie: Jacko (10th)

Club Championship – Final Results

Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Stroke, Hamersley
CLUB CHAMPIONSHIP, Round 1

It was almost full house for a shot at the highly prized title of Club Champion, the travelling Squancey our only regular member unable to play. Walks was the defending champion, but the lad had been in indifferent form and ready to be plucked by some feisty opposition, some of whom were also in indifferent form. On balance, it was an open contest. The Handicapper made it even more balanced, deciding to overrule any handicap changes resulting from the low scorefest at Joondalup – and no-one in their right mind challenges the Handicapper (which was really strange since no one challenged the Handicapper). After deferring again to the 1st tee regulars, the battle began under leaden skies which splatted briefly but we dodged the worst.

Some highlights:

• Walks? Well, your scribe can report watching Walksies antics on the 9th, crashing from tree-to-tree and finally limping home with a 7. Perhaps, poor lad, that indifferent form was still hanging on. But this performance prompted the comment "Walks – W Anchor" (Wanchor). Was he throwing it out? After all he'd also starting out with a 7. But then came the middle seven holes which included 3 pars, a 25m chip-in on the par 5 3rd, only 5 shots over the card and a very Long Drive to boot (considering Ronzo had set the standard at 212m!). The defending champ's thrown out the challenge (but he insists not the anchor), his round eerily much the same as last year;
• Scobes did it again – the "Silent Assassin" quietly pinged 'em down the middle, chipped them up and sank the ('Tink') putts, knocking in a par and birdie for 44 off the stick and sharing the halfway lead. Shame he's off to Esperance and can't finish off the job;
• Ronzo was a picture of serenity even after a bout with the sand at the 1st but was starting to languish at 6 over after 4. After coach Dalby suggested he slow down his swing, whammo – 3 pars and two bogeys later and he's in the mix.
• It's marvellous what a difference one hole makes. Jacko "crashed" at the par 4 2nd (an 8) which put a dent in things. Impressive golf saw him only 6 over (including 3 pars and a double bogey) for the rest. to give himself a "sniff"
• Are Macca and Steve that bit too far off the pace? They adopted similar tactics to most with slow starts. Macca had used 3/4's of his handicap by the 4th hole then steamed home gathering two pars. Steve had used up 2/3's of his at the same point, but also improved with two pars. Had the steam hissing out the ears (and a few words I must look up in the dictionary) after a nasty run of "that close" missed putts;
• Dalbs and Little Master had two things in common – a love of statistics; too many 7's and 8's on their card. It was not a pretty sight. TLM even took to hitting the wrong ball. Was this a case of the recently in-form Tom looking to Mornington (Tanchor)?
• A RECORD!! The par 3 116m 5th hole was savaged today – all 8 players parred it!

Speaking of TLM, it was a great moment after the game with a full complement gathering to witness the presentation of his 200 Game Certificate. It was also memorable for the fact that it was actually presented in the year in which he won it!

Leader Board at Halfway:
32 – Phantom
32 – Just a Mo
34 – AAAAGGGHHHH
36 – The Retiree
37 – Pace Cracker
38 – Platinum
39 – Nose Job
41 – Numbers Man

Note: Consistency and Masters points held over until after the Championship

Results to be offically recorded:
NTP: Steve
LD: Walks
NAGA: Little Master

Monday, January 26, 2015
Stableford, Joondalup
JOONDALUP CLASSIC

AND IT’s NAE NAE NEVER, NAE NAE NEVER AGAIN (will we underestimate the prowess of this newcomer). Although he didn’t exactly tame The Monster, on a course which offers many of the challenges to be faced in MM5, he gave an ominous portent of things to come.

January 26, 2015, promised to be a scorcher with fireworks thrown in, and what better way to start than playing in the fifth Joondalup Classic. Eight starters at the course by 6:20 and ready to tee-off at 6:40 – the treasurer was the last to arrive at 6:20, ostensibly to avoid any last minute votes to dip into club coffers for round subsidies. In carts bedecked with appropriate Australiana, courtesy of Ron, the groups made their way to the first tee where the designated first group of Tom, Ron, Macca and Dalbs were to show the way, followed by Steve, Nae, Walks and Jacko. But after such a smooth start with everyone on time, it soon became apparent that Macca was cutting a lonely figure in his cart – Dalbs had disappeared??  After some negotiation, an adjustment was made, and Steve and Nae were promoted – Steve champing at the bit to defend his title and Nae couldn’t wait to show us what we were up against.

Some highlights:

• Nae drilled his first drive up the centre, clearing the bunkers and setting up his par to anchor his eventual winning score of 34. “The Fencer” cut and thrust his way around the course with a number of quality shots including another booming drive to beat all-comers for the longest drive on the Dunes.
• Walks drove well over the Dunes so Jacko let him drive through the Quarry as well – in contrast, his front 9 tee shots lacked the usual bullet-like qualities we have come to expect but then he threw off the shackles to post a very respectable 19 points on the back 9 for a total of 31;
• Jacko’s game appeared over very early with 1 point after 4 holes, but he rallied for a podium finish with 30 points;
• Macca had problems on the front 9 – the additional responsibility of making sure Dalbs didn’t get lost again was obviously weighing heavily on his mind. However in typical fashion, he recovered over the Quarry to craft a Macca-esque 15 for a 27 total, including a searing tee-shot to nudge Ron out of contention for the longest drive;
• Ron never recovered from the disappointment of not playing with Macca and Dalbs, and returned a very uncharacteristic 23, although he did post 2 pars to provide a glimmer of hope;
• Dalbs (the Miner) dug his way through the Dunes and blasted his way through the Quarry, but had a mainly forgettable day – this scribe has forgotten it already – to return a total of 22. One shining light was his tee shot on the 12th to take NTP for the Quarry;
• The President in Waiting for Life went out in sympathy with Ron and returned 20 points to just save the Captain having to work through a count-back for NAGA. His moment in the sun came on the 8th hole on the Dunes where he nailed his tee-shot for NTP which set up a birdie (the 4 points on this hole and 3 points for par on the next were shining beacons in a sea of despair);
• The Platinum Sponsor got off to a bad start and never really recovered. His 19 points was a little shy of the total returned in winning the previous year’s event but was good enough to take the NAGA.

Results:
1st: Nae (34)
2nd: Walks (31)
3rd: Jacko (30)
NTPs: Tom/Dalbs
LDs: Nae/Macca
NAGA: A profoundly superb effort from last year's Classic winner

Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Stroke, Hamersley
GOLDEN PUTTER, Round 2

Another magnificent morning on the "green, velvety swarths dusted with a light gossamer breeze" – but no champagne bubbles cloud this round. Ronzo took centre stage, spellbinding the group with a Mornington update that included financial matters and a "who was sleeping with who" (which generated the most excitement). Showing no sign of nervousness, he pummelled his drive into the bush and most of the rest (Macca one exception - it was a sign) followed.

Some highlights:

• Scobes: "After you". And that was also the final result.

  Macca was a dark horse – almost NAGA last week but still in the GP hunt. As someone ardent fan (The Macca Fan Club President) described his round today "I can't remember a bad shot". Hit 46 off the stick, including putting for birdies on the par 5 and the 17th (3rd hardest) – but settled for pars. CONGRATULATIONS MACCA!
• Scobes' highlight came after the second hole – he was one in front in the Golden Putter. The general game was suss until finally working out the game after 4 holes – careering home over the final 5 holes only 5 over (including a 3-putt, ouch!) – a performance that inspired the comment "I should take up the game";
• Steve was "scintillating" off the tees following up with big irons from wherever. Hit the only hollow tree on the course at the 17th for a hiccup triple bogey but played the rest in only 6 over. Mornington here we come!
• Jacko, Ronzo and Squancey all got to the same score in vastly different ways. Jacko was "all over the shop" for 4 holes then, "click", strolled the last 5 in 3 over with immaculate drives and only 8 carefully crafted putts (is this a split personality?). Ronzo had the usual slow start, agony showing on his craggy face as he double bogey'd the first 2 holes taking 4 putts. Was his crack at a third GP going up the spout? Then, as you do, he again sailed over the rest in 7 over and just 10 putts – and the Trophy was his! CONGRATULATIONS RONZO!
  

  It was a record breaking performance by the club elder. He's broken his own previous best effort of 27 putts in 2004–05 and, in the process, notched up his third GP title. And what does he put his scintillating form with the short stick down to? "I dedicate this win to my marvellous, loving, caring, sharing, ever-supportive, tender-hearted son who bought me a new putter. I couldn't have won without it". There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

  Squancey became stuck on the number 6, his score on 5 holes including (groan) a par 3. At least he was consistent as he again nibbled at the heels of a near-podium appearance;
• Dalbs and Walks deadheated for the unenviable title but Walks was seriously good enough to win on countforward. It's not that Dalbs had a completely bad round, it's just the 10 shots to complete the second easiest hole (par 5, 14th) that put a severe dent in things, including his 4 iron (Litts – only kidding!). Walksy? It's just that he did have a completely bad round with 5 3-putts and 3 triple bogeys thrown in. Methinks he was too hyped up on Carnarvon mangoes and bananas.

Results:
Golden Putter: Ronzo (25 putts)
1st: Macca (33)
2nd: Scobes (34)
3rd: Steve (36)
NTP: Steve
LD: Dalbs (2 in a row!! Those weights are working)
NAGA: Walks on countforward from Dalbs
Apres Golf: Macca (quality of opposition unknown)

Golden Putter Final Results

Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Stableford, Hamersley
GOLDEN PUTTER, Round 1

What a magnificent morning – "green, velvety swarths dusted with a light gossamer breeze under champagne bubbles cloud" (to loosely quote Macca). The "usual suspects" of mixed gender took precedence at the 1st tee but we lined up behind and still managed to fire off at a respectable 0550. All were in awe of TLMs self-drive buggy (for something to do) until the techno beast "died". TLM (the other never-flustered techno beast) soon had the system firing again – and could've killed the bugger who'd pulled out the battery lead. That was about as serious as the golf got, judging by the initial drives (techno the exception).

Some highlights:

• Ronzo, fresh from a two-week break, looked rusty as he laboured to 5 over and just 2 points after 2. Suddenly hit a Dockers patch . . . WHAM WHAM. . . lying 2 just off the green on the par 5 3rd, birdied it for 5 points; knocked another NTP shot to within a metre on the par 3 5th, sinking the putt for birdie and 4 points; and played the best 7 holes of his life being only 2 shots over, stacking up 21 points and taking only 7 putts!! (Ed: I think I'll take a break);
• TLM and Squancey tied for second spot in different fashion. Tom was all concentration with par (3 pts) on the 1st then . . wipe! Was this to be an established pattern? That steady swing held sway, however, and 7 straight bogeys flowed off the bat as the points mounted. Squancey was niggling away from the outset, sneaking under the radar on a few

  Could this be the style that steals the title?

  occasions to keep the points ticking over, flying home at the ninth for par and 4 points sufficient to nab the countback;
• Scobes and Dalbs employed different approaches to amassing their 17 points. The Mo pottered around more getting to the green but was deadly with the short stick – only 12 putts. Devastated when told he wasn't the halfway GP leader. Dalbs appeared to travel the fairways better but fluffed a few greens with 3 three putts but the putter remained firmly in the hand despite steam hissing out the considerable ears;
• Steve was "average" combining a "flat" start/finish with a "flat out" middle bit and an average of just about 2 putts per hole. Possibly suffering from Binningup withdrawal symptoms though appeared rested.
• Macca and Jacko were the odd couple. Macca was ferreting in sand and thrashing in bush for some of the opening five holes after which he had 5 points and only 6 putts! (go figure). Belatedly hit form over the closings but is still in GP contention. Jacko went Whacko on the greens, uncharacteristically knocking up 4 three putts and going AWOL on holes 6 and 7 in a macabre display of implosion. But, as my 4 year-old grand nephew philosophically explains: "These things happen".

Results:
1st: Ronzo (23)
2nd: Squancey (19) on countback from . . .
3rd: Tom (19)
NTP: Ronzo
LD: Dalbs (after the quintessential Little bounce)
NAGA: Jacko
Apres Golf: Not contested

Golden Putter Round 1

Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Stableford, Hamersley

Same season – brand new year. Back at Hamersley and . . . where's the Pro? Macca appeared ready to throw stones at the magpies to relieve the boredom but the doors squeaked open overtime and just in time. A lucky number 7 players had gathered to contest the first fixture in 2015 in sticky conditions – a saunacation after the big heat the day before – but it didn't stop some big scoring.

Some highlights:

• Dalbs was dumbstruck, his drive off the 10th actually landing on the fairway. Elation took hold but only temporarily as he played Squancey's ball by mistake the next hole. Recovered, making pars on 3 of the hardest holes for 12 points and actually looked like a golfer, except for the anchor-throw at 18, but still enough points to win;
• Walks and Jacko tussled for line honours. A refreshed Jacko sprinted out of the blocks, only 2 over the card after 5 holes with some steady, crafty golf and 12 points, but jet lag on the home straight and he landed rather softly. Walks had the usual languid warm up devoid of many points then par'd two in a row. That awoke the giant and he came flying home to gazump the Retiree on countback;

• Now, back to the correct fairway . . .	. . . and lob it by the pin. Stupid game!

  Scobes was in a quandry as he stomped the fairways – not to score or to score or not to score or to score. And so that rhythm came to pass, not helped by the occasional bush visit intermixed with some vintage Scobes touch;
• The Little Master flew out the blocks with a trademark par. If only it would last, but that steady, considered swing threw out an eclectic mix of more duffs and less doozies that sometimes had him struggling. Continues to display that other trademark shot – potting the 25 metre putt, this time at the 17th;
• Squancey was in a determined mood, smacking some solid, and not-so-solid, drives and irons all with gusto, some with errant intent. It produced a round bookended by a slow start/finish but with some cracking good play in the middle.
• And Macca? A real mixed bag – only one wipe; a great strike somehow hitting the thinest of trees flush; a mis-hit drive "Past the ladies; Past the ladies; Past the ladies" came the chant . . . and it did, just! (TLM wouldn't have a bar of the chant and suffered the wrath, his drive on the same hole stopping short of the ladies as cries of "Jug, Jug" drifted across from the following group.) Macca just couldn't seem to get going and almost took to throwing stones at magpies instead. Got the last laugh on the Apres green.

Results:
1st: Dalbs (23)
2nd: Walks (20)
3rd: Jacko (20)
NTP: Walks
LD: Squancey
NAGA: Macca
Apres Golf (back by popular demand): Macca wins again!

Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Stableford, Collier Park
VISITORS DAY

The forecast was so it was all hands to the clubhouse for a line-up and early start. All was well until our line-up at the 1st tee kept getting gazumped by fellas in yellow and light blue shirts. All above board (apparently) but the easterly was still somewhat cool and our patience was fortunately the same. Andy Mac looked resplendent in long sleeved shirt (like father, like son) and appeared set to tear up either the course or his card. The latter eventually won, but first things first.

Course professional, Graham "Wiley" Walker, used his course guile and cunning to thread his way around in sometimes ungainly fashion ("hate those bunkers") to finally crack it . . . his first season win. The only player to not melt down as he scored on every hole. TLM was an early tearaway, straight hitting and incredulous putting (one sunk from a metre off the green) and he was 6 over and 14 points after 6 holes. Wilted over the next 5 as the mercury soared before a head dunk under the nearest tap and, re-energised, went the last 7 only 5 over (sinking another long putt) and 19 points. Squancey was running a bit hot (understandable) and cold (not possible) mixing pars with triple bogeys, the bogeys building with the heat, but his calm, steady approach kept the score ticking over.

Almost NAGA lie

So much for the young guns who could handle the torrid conditions. Those growing old graciously found the going a bit tougher – but Macca had moments of brilliance, none better than his birdie on the hardest hole, also potting a bewdy from off the green for 5 sweet points. Scobes was holding his own (no one else offered) over Island 9, trumping the 9th with par and 4 points. Appeared to slip into trudging mode as temperatures soared, the wet towel under his cap providing some relief but still flagged over the closing holes. Dalbs looked the goods, 6 over after 6 holes and 15 points! Then . . . heatstroke or poor strokes as balls landed in trees, the buggy toppled over, and drink containers dried up, as did scoring. Definitely a cool weather golfer.

Andy? Well . . . it's just that the ball seemed intent on playing down the wrong fairways, or flying extra high than extra long. It was a frustrating trip but he took it all in good long strides and a sexy pair of shorts. And the day mercifully ended in the cool airconditioned clubhouse where melting bodies morphed back into shape (of sorts).

Results:
1st: Walks (36)
2nd: Little Master (35)
3rd: Squancey (33)
NTP: Macca/Little Master
LD: Walks/Scobes
NAGA: Andy Mac (23)

Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Stableford, Wembley
CHRISTMAS CUP

It was the fifteenth running of the Christmas Cup and that four-times and 2013 winner, Dalbs, had quietly set up a soft handicap. What superb planning – what could possibly go wrong? And where was Scobes? At Hamersley? No, even worse – he'd mucked up his alarm and slept until 8.30. He's now concerned he may have forfeited his GBWGC playing rights. But at least the club's two power brokers had made the starting line – the Little Master from the frozen North; and Little the Maestro from his spotless desk.

Under colourful hats and clear skies, the Formidable Four were off. Maestro took little time to step up and tee off proceedings. After a long absence, took a hole to warm up and two to warm down but scored in-between, going only 3 shots over for six holes (this guy's scary). His understudy, Ronzo, perfected the slow start but then exploded into form, 18 points chalked up in the remaining 7 holes (this guys hairy). Walks was "erratic, erratic", 7 of his 12 points amassed in just two holes! Rumour has it he went out and bought a new putter that afternoon so, we're on notice! And then along came Macca; long drivin', straight shootin', straight puttin' Macca; steady, consistent Macca (5 shots for each of the first 6 holes); "missed four putts from within a metre" Macca. Swept all before him for his third Cup win. (That's what could possibly go wrong!) CONGRATULATIONS MACCA (this guys lairy). (NOTE: When told Macca had won the Cup, Scobes asked "So, no one else turned up either?")

The Fab Four boasted three international journeymen set on demolishing the "princess" with the soft handicap. Steve was all form, blasting monsters off the tee (as usual) but, did princess detect inaccuracies creeping into his game? Increasing visits to the bush were directly proportional to a lack of points on the card as this tyro faded over the home straight. The Little Master seemed caught between two sports, his early drives text-book chips over the in-field or straight through mid-on. Golf finally kicked in, a late rally producing 11 points over the final four holes. Squancey had finished work, partied and settled into holidaymode and, for parts of the 9 hole journey, his golf decided to do the same. Dalbs was trying to playing it cool but, after par and four points on the first, things weren't going to plan. Cautiously settled into bogey golf with the odd short game fluffs to make things look normal. Muffed the big finish planned for the 18th and got a black chalk mark, done on countback.

Ronzo again stole the show with his generous contribution of Christmas hats and Christmas gifts bringing Christmas cheer. BIG thank you Ronzo. His carefully crafted script recognising 150 and 200 game achievements was delivered in supreme fashion by our President-for-Life, which probably explained the big wrap for Steve's 150th. Walks has some impressive achievements on his way to 200 games while Scobes still has to wait for his 200 game award notched up 10 months ago!

Results:
1st: Macca (21)
2nd: Ronzo (19) on countback from . . .
3rd: Dalbs (19)
NTP: No takers
LD: Macca
NAGA: Squancey

Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Par Bisque, Hamersley

It was that favourite "handicap management system" game today, and the usual mayhem about scoring Par Bisque was never far away. Walks' thoughts were obviously far away after the webmaster looked up from finally working out how to assemble his buggy to see todays crowd sauntering to the 10th tee. But . . . wait a minute . . . that's Walksies boot yawning open and no one around except . . . a thief!

Once the Captain had retrieved the situation, and his boot, the ball toss signalled that one of the great Hamersley rounds was about to start. Steve sent out mixed signals initially, weaving from left rough to right rough on the 10th and, after lying 3 and still 80m from the green in bush, threw up a superb approach shot to within a foot to square the first. From that point, with thumping drives, solid irons and some neatly danced-in putts, the count was 4 pars, 1 birdie (the 18th, his second shot to within 18.65799 inches of the flag!!), 2 bogeys and a double. Did hit a few wayward shots (Steve, such language!) but, afterall, he is only human (I think). All we can say is, Walks was very considerate (a bit like his handicap). After knocking out plusses on the first 6 holes, the Big Fella suddenly realised the enormity of what could be and immediately went to water, and some bush, delving into minus territory before booting up again and chalking up another plus for a respectable 2nd placing and a pat on the back after some deadly putts from 5 feet. Ronzo took time to warm up (two opening minuses) and warm down (a closing minus) but, in between hit those trademark bombs off the tee to set up a 'Walks' – 6 straight plusses – and something to smile about.

For Macca, Dalbs and Squancey, it was a case of tsk, tsk, tsk,
for scores are meant to be reasonably high; in this novelty game Par Bisque.
Macca just couldn't get off the tee, and some putts just wouldn't drop;
while Dalbs perfected the bush bound drive, and his short game was mostly a flop.
And Squancey . . . did he tear up the course you all may very well ask;
alas his inconsistent form meant he wasn't quite up to the task.

Results:
1st: Steve (+6 . . . and a 40 off the stick)
2nd: Walks (+5)
3rd: Ronzo (+3)
NTP: Ronzo
LD: Walks
NAGA: Macca
Apres golf: Macca

NOTE: Par Bisque scores were converted to Par-equivalent for handicapping purposes.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Stableford, Hamersley
PRESIDENT'S TROPHY

The seventh running of the President's Trophy attracted a quality field on a magnificent morning ready-made for good scores. Even the sudden onslaught from thumping sprinklers couldn't dampen the unbridled enthusiasm. Steve dreamt he'd won his second Trophy by a short half head but only succeeded in waking up with a sore half neck. He was the only fitness query as the sprinklers stopped and the flaying started.

Similar styles of today's top two

Jacko was obviously serious. He'd launched into that metronomic swing and had strolled his way into a strong position – only 4 shots over the card and 15 points after 6 holes. Wobbled a tad toward the end but still came in with a Trophy winning score. Squancey was King Jackos only real threat but he did it the harder way. Pounded some scorchers off the tee and cashed a few with 4 pars – two earning 4 points – then threw in a few hand grenades, blowing out on three holes for 2 one pointers and a wipe. Dalbs actually hit some long straight drives and struck a decent iron or two but, sigh, three-putted the first 5 holes (ah what coodabeen).

After his killer form last week, big things were expected from Macca and he started like a steam train. Then came a steep incline "I think I can; I think I can" then downhill then uphill as points came and went before he coasted home for a well-played 18th and 3 points to bolster his score. Walks also had high hopes after an intense training session in the great South. Started well with 10 points after 4 and finished with 16, including 4 points from par on the 16th! Exhaustion had set in from his southern exertions. Stiff-neck Steve showed little sign of his suffering, going birdie on the first after a magic shot out off the rough for a near gimmee. Was in power form off the tee but the 'iron in the hand is worth two in the bush' was a bit too prevalent mid-round as he lamented "Only managed one week on a single figure handicap". Ronzo was first into the carpark and last on the scoreboard. It was just one of those days when some shots go really well – it's just that they're outnumbered by the crap ones!

Results:
1st: Jacko (21 points)
2nd: Squancey (20)
3rd: Dalbs (17)
NTP: Dalbs
LD: Jacko
NAGA: Ronzo
Apres golf: Walks (away with it)

Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Stroke, Hamersley
MATCH PLAY – Semi Finals

The weather couldn't be better and 8 players were taking advantage, including the welcome return from some steamy foreign dodgy joints of The Little Master. The Captain, in a moment of benevolence, put the Match Players in one group relieving the gallery of four from those onerous Referee duties. The Match Play matchups promised some in-house sledging – the Karrinyup Kids (notionally) pitted against one another and an all-in-the-family Allardice duel.

Chalk 1 v Chalk 2: Wham, wham. "Wish I could slam my drives that far down the middle,especially on the 1st. This could be an interesting duel of the big hitters. Ronzo's 1 up after 1 and they're both laughing and joking! This is supposed to be serious. There they go again, belters down and off the fairway and some nifty putts but Ronzos still 1 up after three. Hmmm, he's gone bush and Steve's snuck past to square it up and they're each only 3 shots over par after 4! Must be a family pride thing but neither are giving ground. Blimey, these blokes are serious but they're still laughing! Whiff/bang/splutter, bl__dy 'ell Ronzo's just shot an 11. Is this the end of the laughter (though I notice that Platinum just can't stop smiling). What a steely mind – Ronzo puts it behind him, squares the next with bogey then pars the par 3 to get square again, this against a man who's only 7 shots over after 7. Wham,wham (yet again) but Steve stays straight as Ronzo wanders thru' the bush and that Platinum touch yields another par for a crucial 1-up advantage. BUT Ronzo has an extra stroke and it's again wham for wham as these tyros each laugh their way to 5's and it's all square after a titanic struggle – until a countback and Ronzo hits an iceberg". Steve wins 1-up (and scores a 43 off the stick!!).

Macca v Dalbs: "Stop it, Macca – you're looking too serious; like you want to win. Bl__dy 'ell, two holes gone, I'm two holes down, he's smacked everything down the middle for par/par and I've flim-flammed for 2 down. Ah, par for me on the next . . . I'm making up ground but, oops, that bl__dy short game and I'm 2 down again. If he's not hitting his drives down the middle, he's recovery is bl__dy good – he's starting to get annoying. Phew, my drives are now straighter, just missed a couple of putts but I'm still keeping pace with this golf machine but still 2 down with 3 to go. What does one do? Wow – another par and I've snuck one back, time for a fag. Gotta do something at the 17th but he's driven it straight and long again! I'm keeping up and putting for par and, at last, he's missed the green. Three more putts to Macca's chip and three putts (very unusual) and it's square!! Just gotta win the last. Bang – another of his drive's down the middle while mine'll bring rain. Recovered though and we're lying three, mine on the green and 5 footer for par; Macca just off and 4 metres for par. (Thinks: My one-putt to Macca's two putt and victory is mine!!) WHAT!! He's sunk the bl__dy putt?! Symptoms of shock and I miss my shortish putt. Bugger". Macca wins 1-up (with a serious 45 off the stick!).

The boys in the "gallery" group mostly started well, Walks the initial shining light with bogey/bogey while the others fell at the 11th, Squancey the best with quadruple bogey (form is fickle). From then on, The Little Master threw off the jet lag, that slow and steady swing inching his way to a par round, a great effort after his golfing hiatus. Squancey went FIFO after that fateful 11th – Form In (3 pars); Form Out (4 doubles); while Jacko did a "Dalbs", getting par on the par 3's but struggling to maintain the rage while eventually struggling with knee distemper. The shining light suddenly went "fffttt" (apart from par on the 13th) with "blowouts" (9's) on 14th and 18th. Walks's mind was obviously on a quick getaway for his south-west destination, his wedge approach to the 18th green almost taking out an unsuspecting public chipping on the practice green.

Results:
1st: Steve (Net 32) on countback from . . .
2nd: Macca (32)
3rd: Tom (36) on countback from Dalbs
NTP: Steve
LD: Ronzo
NAGA: Walks
Apres golf: Not contested

Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Modified Stableford, Hamersley

Nice cool morning for a day forecast to get hot. There were 7 players up for a game of Modified Stableford and the webmaster was convinced he'd got the scoring system right. And then a note was passed around and all the doubts crept in. And then the crepts became creepy until our revered IT expert Jacko, egged on by our roving statistician Macca, logged in at the 12th green and confirmed the facts much to the webmaster's relief.

The round belonged to the dual Binningup champion Squancey – same winning form, different course. A steady round mixed with 2 eagles and the "born again" high hopes golfer Dalbs was relegated to second. Then again, Dalbs was a two-hole screamer, making birdies off the stick on the par 5's for an eagle and albatross but the rest was a bit ordinary. And – what's this? Ronzo on the podium AGAIN! Could've been a better score but he's a slow starter/finisher.

So ended the plus scores. Macca and Walks went hip and elbow but only succeeded in a draw. Macca was the driving supremo early but fell into a mid-round slump before fighting back with 2 birdies over the closing holes. High noted with two belters, one hitting the thinest of tree stakes, the other a tree with both bouncing straight back 10 meters or more. It was Macca the Hit Bacca at his creative best and now with a Backward Bounce to rival the Little Bounce. Walks had that trademark slow start but also the trademark long drives – his longest only 110 metres short of the green on the 343m par 4 15th! Scobes couldn't get his mo or his mojo working early apart from NTP and par (= birdie) at the 12th ("I had to hit one good shot this round"). Steadied as he progressed, hitting (so rumour has it) one more good shot to steady the ship but the damage was done. All expected Jacko to make his move early, but just the mention of the word "move" and the poor lad went to pieces, excelling in todays NAGA winning stakes.

Results:
1st: Squancey (14)
2nd: Dalbs (11)
3rd: Ronzo (8)
NTP: Scobes
LD: Squancey
NAGA: Jacko
Apres golf: Not contested

Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Par, Hamersley
MATCH PLAY, Round 1 (Continued)

An idyllic morning in golfing paradise and an almost maximum field of 8 rocked up for a relaxing game of golf. The last of the Match Play pairs were in place; the Captain tossed and got the golf moving; and Jacko was preparing to get the house-shift moving "If only I could move the mortgage". But that was obviously the least of his concerns as the morning's result showed.

Scobes v Dalbs: Dalbs started with a three stroke advantage and form – NAGA form. Scobes was fresh from a rest the previous week but also close to NAGA form with his Sunday club. This could be some contest! Dalbs got his nose in front (not too hard to do) at the 10th and floundered through trees on the next as steady Scobes squared it. Golf took a back seat over the next three with Dalbs stunning his opponent (who was busy stunning/stunting trees) by leaping to 2-up. "Bugger that!" said Scobes as he made par on the next two, this erratic duo turning even at the 17th. Dalbs couldn't disguise the wry grin, comforted by the extra stroke he had over the closing holes. More bruised bark and fluttering leaves by Scobes and Dalbs was again one-up without the help of that stroke and it was down to the wire. It was a straighter run home but that extra stroke did count with tied scores at the 18th. As scobes so succinctly put the day "What I lack in finesse, I make up for in lack of direction". Dalbs wins 2-up.

Steve v Walks: "What happened?" quizzed a shell-shocked 2-down Steve as Whirling (Dervish) Walker sprinted out of the blocks, par'ing the first two. The pressure of Match Play produces strange bed-fellows as Ronzo, seeing his son's plight, deliberately topped his 3rd shot on the 11th keeping the ball low and travelling straight at Walks who had positioned himself ahead. As Walks lifted his foot to let the ball pass, it leapt in the air and 'hit him in the groin'. The big fella survived but was clearly affected as Steve won the next two and it was back to square. Another par by Walks then one by Steve but Walks was 1-up with 2 to play. Desperate situations require desperate measures and Steve produced – an errant shot into the woods producing a long and fruitless search until his ball was found in the middle of the fairway 60 metres further on! At the 18th, his booming drive was bush-bound before (Hey Presto!) it Little Bounced and (Hey Presto!) took out the long drive. The match was all square after the 18th and Steve complete the trifecta – winning the match on countback. Unbelievable! Steve on countback.

Referee duties weren't to prove quite as detrimental as last week. Jacko was Steady Eddy at the start then waxed and waned but enough to stay square and win the countback from a completely waxing and waning Squancey (6 bogeys; 10 over for the remaining three!). Macca was 'round about' but blew out on two early holes and breathed in on some closing holes to almost right the ship; while Ronzo did some real heavy breathing after an opening AAAAGGGHHHHH before settling over the closing holes - but the damage was done.

Results:
1st: Jacko (0) on count back from . . .
2nd: Squancey (0) and . . .
3rd: Walks (0)
NTP: Ronzo
LD: Steve
NAGA: Dalbs
Apres golf: Not contested

Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Stroke, Hamersley
MATCH PLAY, Round 1

A perfect morning for a round of golf and 6 of us decided to take advantage of the conditions. After a controversial draw to start the season's Match Play proceedings, two pairs were squared up, referees appointed and it was into the fray.

Jacko v Ronzo: Nervous knee-knocking marked the beginning of this contest. At the first, Jacko was taking time to settle, just like his new home purchase. Ronzo looked threatening, so Jacko decided to take him out early but only succeeded in hitting his buggy instead, and the elder statesman survived to take an early lead. After settlement, a calmer (or Karma) Jacko hit back and squared it up until the 13th when a rampant Allardice putter knocked in a 7 metre putt to again go 1 up, keeping his nose in front until he repeated the dose, sinking another brilliant 7 metre and Jacko's hopes along with it. It wasn't that Jacko the Retired played badly, he just couldn't buy a critical putt. Ron wins 2 and 1.

So, guess who won the NTP?	Macca meant business in a struggle to the last

Macca v Squancey: The knee knocking was more audible in the second group, particularly those of bionic Macca as he quadruple bogied the first two holes and was immediately 2 down against a hot'n'cold Squancey. Inexplicably, cold turned to hot as Macca girded his loins (we weren't watching) and bogied the next two holes while Squancey got the wobbles and the match got back to square. That pattern continued with Macca 2-up after the 16th until Squancey's straight hitting par at 17 had him 1 down and an extra stroke over Macca on the 18th. It was tight after Squancey's drive Little-bounced and Macca down the middle and the sound of heavy breathing up the 18th fairway was either the stress or the effort keeping up with the Pace Cracker. Squancey got it down in 6 and Macca faced a 1.865 metre putt for a 5 and glory . . . and he did it!!! Macca wins 1-up.

Referee duties were to prove detrimental. Walks was not making happy progress, epitomised by the pair of 6's on the par 3s and a quadruple bogey on the 13th. Then had the temerity to par the elusive 17th! Dalbs was a little rusty (to say the least) and had used up his 13 handicap by the finish of the 13th hole (snap)! It was a great morning for golf, but the poor lad didn't really play any, and fought off Walks's effort at taking off a second NAGA.

Results:
1st: Ronzo (Net 33)
2nd: Jacko (37)
3rd: Macca (38)
NTP: Macca
LD: Ronzo
NAGA: Dalbs
Apres golf: Jacko

Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Stableford, Wembley
SPRING CLASSIC

Before we get into the ups and downs of the Spring Classic, the editor would like to apologise unreservedly to Chris (Used to Have a Job) Jackson for failure to mention his domination of the novelties at Hamersley on the week prior. Jacko took off both the NTP and Long Drive, neither of which was mentioned in the match report (of minor interest also; Tom won and Scobes came last).

Back to the present. Prior to tee off there was a minor upheaval in the car park as members forked out their merchandise money to Ron. Eagle eyed Jacko (too much time on his hands already) had thwarted the conspiracy put together by the Editor and the Merchandiser to get members to pay double GST.

Back to the golf. The Wembley course was in picture perfect condition for this important event. The lead up had been heavily laden with complex correspondence about methods of booking a time slot, our inability to get two consecutive times, etc, etc. In the event, we turned up, gave Macca our money, went to the 10th tee and teed off as we always have. First drives were typically long and straight, except for those which finished in the rough.

Highlights:

• Tom and Macca fought tooth and nail from start to finish, with the former coming up with a crucial Par on the 16th which gave him a 1 point lead which he held to the end.
• Ron appeared to be massaging his handicap for Binningup and beyond. How else could we explain the short hooks, long slices and wayward chips?
• Tom has recommended that Ron review his “one percenter” strategy until he is able to get some sort of control over the other 99% of his game.
• Scobes plugged along at or about nett par pace and never looked likely. Inconsistent putting was a feature.
• Squancey did not lose his phone or any other valuable item (that we are aware of). Seemed to be a highlight worth the mention.
• Steve had six 6’s on his card, a sign that he was a bit off the pace, but was very consistent.
• Jacko burned early, but was unable to maintain the momentum, scoring just one point on the final two holes after being 11 after 4 holes. Rumour has it that he now has too much time to analyse his game and is putting himself under immense psychological pressure. That’s the good thing about rumours, they can be turned into column inches.

Tom will be missing for the next few weeks as he has several overseas golf work commitments to attend to.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Stableford, Hamersley

The carpark resembled a Good Sammies jumble sale as Ron dished out paper bags rich with all manner of GBW merchandise. Each bag also contained a bill for $1,431.00, drawing a few comments about the implied quality of said merchandise – top shelf stuff at those prices! Seriously though, thanks to Ron and Steve for organising this stuff – we should all be resplendent for Binningup and Mornington!
A reminder for when you are working out how much CASH you owe Ron; the prices don’t include;

• GST, so you will need to add 10%, and
• Embroidery set up, which works out at near enough to $4.50/head.

Highlights:

• We had yet another new winner this week – none other than the RD (not you Dalbs). Yes, the mastery returned and the ever present handicapper really enjoyed watching yet another handicap get shredded. Well done Tom.
• Squancey had a really bad morning. He finished near the back of the field, had to put up with insubordination from his subordinate (but only for a couple of days longer, ay Jacko!), and to add further calamity to the outing was last seen covering the course in reverse searching for his phone! We rang him later to see how he went but he wasn’t taking calls.
• There was little news from the first group (other than the Squancey saga)
• Scobes has descended into the doldrums after a fast start to the season. That’s consecutive NAGAs now, both by healthy margins.
• Consistency is becoming  Macca’s hallmark, once again getting it around with a minimum of fuss (for him). Square with the card nett is always good.
• Jacko could have been really frustrated with his lack lustre performance. However, a quick reminder that it was only 4 days until he became one of the non- workers soon brightened his spirits!
• A note on scorecards. Come on guys, how hard can it be to:
• write 4 numbers against each hole (preferably the same 4 numbers!),
• put 2 totals at the bottom and
• 1 result at the top?

Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Par Bisque, Hamersley

A spectacular morning saw 7 eager starters milling around on the tee waiting for Macca to get the official starting signal from the pro shop. The workers declared themselves Group 1 which did away with the time honoured ball tossing shambles which has traditionally marked tee off preparations. Having saved a good ten minutes as a result, that time was immediately squandered when Scobes read out the handicaps and decided to give a few brief comments on the Par Bisque scoring system. Eventually he was threatened with Graylands certification if he didn’t cease his babbling and the first group teed off.

A few highlights:

• Macca had his putter smoking right from the off, sinking from 25ft on the first. If not for a few lip outs from long range, he may have returned plus 7 or 8!
• Jacko was ”just awesome” early in the round and looked like going all the way as he stood on the 16th with a perfect plus 6 on his card. However, he was unable to sustain the effort, having exhausted his handicap (ask him about his Par Bisque handicap allocation system) before a par on 16 for a half and minuses on the last two holes without handicap assistance.
• Walks pushed Macca the whole way and was still a good chance to topple the putting machine until an unfortunate seven on the 18th brought his challenge to an end. A very even performance and included a couple of trademark mighty blows off the tee.
• The first birdie of the season was rolled in on the 16th by the platinum one, Steve. That made a fifth consecutive plus and he looked a chance at that point. The difficult closing holes took their toll and Steve ended up missing the podium on a count back.
• Squancey’s round could only be described as competent, with nothing too flash other than a par on 12. On a day when handicaps took a battering, he was no exception, being 1 of 4 (out of seven) players to have their handicaps curtailed for next week.
• Ron took a leaf out of Jacko’s book and bombed his score card with handicap strokes early in the round and sat at plus 5 after five holes. He was down to just 2 strokes to use at that point and found the run home too difficult with minus 3 for the last 4 holes.
• In a particular boring performance, Scobes recorded eight halves and one minus to comprehensively capture the NAGA with minus one; a big comedown from consecutive victories. The Handicapper did his job well (it’s called a self-inflicted wound).

Summary:
The standard of golf was pretty high, with all but one player finishing well into positive territory. Even with the leniency of the Par Bisque format, that was still good going. The course was in great nick and the apres coffee drinkers passed that on to the pro shop.

Results:
1st: Macca (+5)
2nd: Chris (+4)
3rd: Walks (+3) on countback from Steve
NTP: Steve
LD: Ronzo
NAGA: Scobes
Apres golf: Nix

Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Stableford, Sea View
ROBIN DALBY SEA VIEW CHAMPIONSHIP

The weather gods aren't crazy . . . they turned out a crisp clear morning just purrrfect for golf but not for skimpy beach wear on the seaward run (not that our concentration on the game allows us to notice). Nevertheless some of the bird life was worth noting and, oh yes, the course was in great condition, including greens that, in the past, were somewhat the worse for wear from (presumably) salty sea spray.

Dalbs had the honour of teeing off proceedings, setting a FAQ standard which, after a mid-round flush, sadly deteriorated with a chipping "glitch" and too many three-putts. His reward was yet another missed third place on countback as his "third place countback bridesmaid" status firms. Ronzo was "primed" after waking from a dream in which he held the coveted Robin Dalby Sea View Championship high after a stunning victory. He of the event name presented Ronzo with a Hawks monogrammed golf ball and things were looking up. It lasted two hefty blows, one into the left rough, the second somewhere into the right rough never to be seen again. A nightmare was developing with a wipe on the first, but some good mixed with some bad and he struggled into third place with a 3-pointer on the last. Macca was striking some great drives off the tee but, somewhere twixt tee and cup, had a "murder" of false shots. Though unhappy with his game generally, never lost his sense of humour or direction. Meanwhile Scobes was striking some great shots off the tee, and off the fairways and out of the sand and on the greens. His "Silent Assassin" persona was at the max, coming home with 43 off the stick and masses of points for a BIG win.

The Little General led the second group, exploding into the fray with 4 points on the first. Played more sedately thereafter with flashes of TLM style and, despite wiping two holes, still found his 16 hard-earned points enough for a second runner-up in as many weeks. Jaunty Jacko, hot favourite to eke out a win and complete his second season victory, was obviously overawed by the big occasion. Mysteriously, never really got out of first gear (despite his General's inspiring example) apart from two change-ups for pars on the 3rd and 5th. Wobbly Walks, hot favourite to eke out another free wheeling display and complete the NAGA double, cursed his slow start and 4 lost golf balls. Managed to match the General stroke-for-stroke and point-for-point over the last six holes, but only succeeded in avoiding the NAGA double.

Results:
1st: Scobes (22 points)
2nd: Tom J (16)
3rd: Ronzo (15) on countback from Dalbs
NTP: No takers
LD: Ronzo
NAGA: Jacked off Jacko
Apres golf: Nix

Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Stroke, Hamersley

The competition everyone loves to play – Stroke – with one conscientious objector . . . Platinum Steve. "I hate #@*%# stroke" he cried. "I wouldn't have turned up if I'd known". After final scores were posted, we all wondered whether he had, in fact, turned up. At least his voice has somewhat returned after a raucous Saturday and we couldn't wipe that winners smile. And so, on a crisp clear morning, we managed to fire off at 6.08, Steve blasting his drive toward the car park while Macca creamed his down the middle. The Little Master starting cautiously with the rescue club prompting such classic quotes as "I see you brought the wives clubs along!" or "Going for the longest putt?". But he was to get the last laugh.

Stevie "Wonder" lived up to his name as his team mates mused "I wonder where this shots going to go?". Try as he might, that little white ball had trouble staying out of trouble after some thumping blows and he finally trudged off to the Platinummobile a clear and absent NAGA winner. Macca had a double-bogey fettish until the 15th and, just as it seemed he'd settled into a rhythm, returned to double bogey the last two holes. Little did he know that was a good enough podium score! And well you may josh (pardon the pun) Tom about that "rescue" drive, but TLM demonstrated the fine art of playing within himself and pecking away at near par or par golf. Two quadruple bogeys put a dent in an otherwise steady round of golf.

Scobes and Jacko shared the same score card, similar consistency off the tee and similar scores. They played some cracking good golf and only two holes over the last four separated the two as Scobeys consistency (two 5's) and a sudden Jacko form lapse (two 7's) saw the moustachoid one take a 4 stroke lead. A 46 off the stick and a generous handicap (which has since taken a beating) and Scobes landed a massive win. Dalbs' weight training has obviously developed a stronger right arm asmost drives and fairway shots flew (you guessed it) right. He had an ally as Walks belted his both right and left and it was army golf most of the way. But, despite their wayward efforts, each managed to secure a novelty win to remember the morning by.

Results:
1st: Scobes - Net 32!!
2nd: Tom J (37)
3rd: Macca (40) on countback from Dalbs
NTP: Dalbs
LD: Walks
NAGA: Hawkeye Steve
Apres golf: Nix

Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Stableford, Hamersley
SEASON OPENER

Reporter Macca reports . . .The six starters waited until 6.14 am on a cool, cloudy morning for the Hon. Handicapper and then the platinum sponsor hit the opening ball of the season. Jacko had thoughtfully provided the handicaps and 2014-15 was underway. When Steve distributed  the new programs, the Hon. Treasurer immediately stormed off in a huff after seeing the ignominious front cover. He claimed the shot was posed, photo-shopped and unauthorised!

The first group – Steve, Squancy and Walks – commenced their odyssey, and odd it was. The possibly overtrained G.Walker never really got into his usually huge stride and became the season’s first NAGA with 13 points. Actually nothing too wrong with his game . . . just a need for slight recalibration. The fluffy, slow greens played havoc with the too strong Steve and the too dainty (it appears we have another one) Graham S though the rest of their game was OK. Nevertheless Steve ended up beating Macca on a count-back  for third place with 17 points.
The second group played fair average golf with Jacko potting his third massive putt for the round for a par on the 18th to touch out the fast finishing Ronzo with scores of 21 and 20 respectively. Welcome back to Top Pro Golf Ron! Macca was his usually inconsistent self but managed to protect his handicap. The signs are ominous for the rest of us with Jacko looking solid throughout, and his putting was superb!

It's interesting to look at the par count for the day: Chris 5 (45); Ron 1 (47); Steve 0 (48); Macca 2 (50); Graham S 0 (53); and Walks 0 (54). The potential stroke score is recorded in brackets after the number of pars.

And an historic note to finish: For the first time in GBWGC history the six players failed to register a single Nearest the Pin or Long Drive even though we attempted NTPs on both the 12th and 16th holes. Numbers man Jacko calculated that if this accuracy continues we have enough balls to last until the 2027-28 season.

A great start for what should be a bumper season...

Results:
1st: Jacko - 21 points
2nd: Ronzo (20)
3rd: Steve (17) on countback from Macca
NTP: Zero (after 2 attempts)
LD: Nil
NAGA: Walks
Apres golf: Nix