March 5–6 (Saturday/Sunday), 2016

The Arrival

Intrigue (for those not in the know) surrounded the weekend's accommodation. Superlatives were being thrown around . . . but would our 'digs' for the inaugural Mandurah Masters live up to the hype? They not only lived up to, but surpassed, our modest expectations and set a new standard for Mornington! After introductions to our soft, comfortable beds, it was feet up on the balcony with nibbles and drinks.

Relaxing in the 'digs'	Ronzo's little helpers . . .	Caterer . . . do not disturb

Our catering supremo (and budget and organisation man) gave us the bird – a delicious chicken and salad spread topped off by Les' mouthwatering ice cream dessert and drowned with an eclectic mix of alcoholic beverages. Surprisingly no one dozed off during the "organisational matters" speech and were entertained by the proofreading glitch on the expansive scoreboard which revealed two side competitions – least number of putts and strokes on par 3's.

Round 1 – Meadow Springs

Les had the crab traps set and our chef supremo was turning out a sensational breakfast. Jacko's corn, chili, spring onion and zucchini fritters were a hit surrounded by bacon, bangers, eggs, mushies and tomato on toast. Almost an effort to stand up and stagger off to golf after such a magnificent spread.

A warm start, windy finish and testing course where reading the greens was proving difficult. Lindsay was the day's star cracking a very fine 42 shots over the outward nine – the stuff Kennedy Bay warmups are made of! His inward nine included the only birdie for the day but wobbled just a little bit at the end for a 47. Jacko was next best but still 10 shots adrift while Squancey lay 3rd after scoring the most number of pars but was still a further 4 shots back, a total that could've been a bit worse except that he had the least putts for the round AND at the 8th, where his tee shot drowned in the lake, he took a drop and chipped it 70m into the hole for par (as he often does).

Contrasting styles of the three bandits

So as not to draw attention to his plight, no mention will be made of the multiple attempts by Tom to extract himself from the bunker on the par 5, 15th, finally completing the hole in 13 shots. But we can say he was still in the mix and almost on a par with the consistent Ronzo. Sadly, Walks, Les, Dalbs and Sam looked to be goners being 22 shots or more off the pace!

Crab bait

Back at the ranch and the feed of crabs, planned for everything from a salad to a bisque, was failing to materialise. At least Les had snared two forward scouts but the rest of the troop were but cub scouts or AWOL. In a desperate move, he and Linds offered themselves up as crab bait but even they weren't considered tasty morsels.

Thwarted, the caterer and the cook knocked out another delicious meal – steak, sausages and veg – for the Black Tie Dinner . . . the tradition continues. And then the fun started. Away Captain Tom was at his mischievous, calculating and despicable best. His random name generator produced:

• The Back 9 Bandits: Les – who had a mixed day, bad and really bad; Walks – who tried hard to be a bandit on the back 9 but really had his bandit moment early, sinking the putt-of-the-day, a "raking 35 footer"; and Ronzo who loved two of the par 3s;
• The Bush Wackers: Tom – had a 13 on one hole, 80% spent in the one bunker; Chris – bunker bound quite a few times; Dalbs – totally bush wacked with the most number of putts;
• Ball Breakers: Lindsay – Under disqualification for shifting his ball in a bunker that was surrounded by kangaroo poo. It was up to the kangaroo to move it; Squancey – that 70m chip-in; Sam – cool, calm and collected in a crisis.

Disqualifications were rife. Apart from Lindsay, Les was also disqualified for carrying TWO putters (R and A Rule 17: Clubs . . . subsection C – "Thou shalt not qualify if you carry two putters and say 'Jesus' in the same round". Ronzo was disqualified for scoring misdemeanours – got the scores for each nine wrong but the overall total was correct!!

What the . . .	A proud moment

Then came THE CHRISTENING. It began with Les receiving strange little objects requiring considerable imagination and close inspection to decide what they were. Having failed that test, Ronzo then unveiled the coup de gras – the official name plate for the newest GBW clubhouse. Les was effusive in his graciousness (but thinking "how the hell do I explain this to Deb?"). The objects? Concealed fixings for the plate (very thoughtful). And Les already had an idea where to display it . . .

Then came THE OTHER PRESENTATIONS.

Our gracious host and the organiser were again the centre of attention. What do you give as a thank you for the generous host who has everything (apart from penicillin)? Tom's wise (sore) head prevailed and Deb received a bottle of her favourite Baileys while Legless was presented with the "Best 2010 wine in the world" – a Grant Burge 2010 Barossa Old Vine Shiraz. Easy as you please, our host reciprocated, Ronzo the recipient of yet more (groan) Hawks memorabilia (will they ever stop winning Premierships?) – a 2015 AFL Premiers Collector Plate.

After much banter and a few more 'steadiers', we tucked Squancey into bed with his Kayak and paddle and retired to our nice soft mattresses.

Round 2 – Mandurah Golf Club

Squancey slipped out early for a paddle round the canals. Les was not far behind checking if he had crabswhich fortunately drew a blank as did his checking of the nets! Another filling Jacko breakfast and all roads led to Mandurah Golf Club.

Rogue's Gallery	Dalbs teeing off from "Not the Elevated Par 4" Par 3

Dalbs waxed lyrical about the grandeur of the elevated Par 4, 1st tee with sweeping views to the fairway below. But, but . . . all that had gone – we were half way down the slope hitting to a Par 3! Nothing stays the same and how true that proved to be during this second round. In a prophetic sign, Jacko opened his account with par and repeated the dose six more times during a splendid round of 86. Even the paparazzi couldn't put him off his game by driving over his ball during his victory surge up the 18th! Lindsay tried hard but couldn't maintain the rage from the previous day's fine 89 on a difficult course, though his 99 was still one of seven out of 18 attempts to score below 100 strokes. Tom's wobbly (triple) start was short lived, steadying to continue his fine form from yesterday (bar one hole) to knock out a fine 94.

Jacko's winning Masters putt	Clash of the top two	Look out clubhouse!

Mr Consistent under the watchful eye	Power of the Kayak Kid

Crab-free Les was a relieved man and it showed, producing a 16-shot turnaround for third spot on the day while Dalbs finally managed sub-100 (99) in a 15-shot turnaround. Ronzo won the Consistency award (consistently scoring 106), Sam the most improved award (an 18-shot reversal), Walks scored just the second birdie achieved in 324 attempts and Squancey appeared too hungover from his early morning exertions slipping out 6 strokes from his previous day's bronze winning performance.

Mandurah winners are grinners	Masters Podium Champions

And so the inaugural Mandurah Masters was a triumph for Jaunty Jacko in a remarkable second day turnaround to just head off Lindsay, both with scoring performances that left a clear gap to a gallant third place Little Master. Special mentions to:

• Squancey for his impressive paddling kit and achieving the least number of putts;
• Jacko for the lowest total score on par 3's;
• Sam who, despite his struggles with the long clubs, made the podium with the equal 2nd least number of putts, sharing with his old sparring partner Les. And though Sam didn't have the best of golfing weekends on the course, he did make the best of it off the course, tucking into a classy VSOP Cognac from a classy bottle. . .

All players in the inaugural Masters were recognised

The last word to this fantastic weekend has been left to ourcatering supremo (and budget and organisation man):

[Roll on Mandurah Masters 2]